10 Jun 2014

What The Fuck Are You Looking At? My Issues With Intimacy

Eye contact is so intimate and as a habitually single individual it scares the shit out of me. The thought of eye contact or someone even looking at me for long periods of time was so uncomfortable to me that I’d sometimes blurt out “What the fuck are you looking at?”

what the fuck are you looking at?

I was seeing this guy for almost two months and as much as I liked him I’d give him shit every time he looked at me. He would laugh it off, but really, why was I having these issues?

It’s because I wasn’t comfortable with myself. At the time I didn’t like my body.. I had just spent 3 out of the last 8 months bedridden. I gained some weight, I had zero muscle, I wasn’t happy with myself and I couldn’t understand why anyone else would like it/me.

In the last year since that relationship ended I have really worked on myself; physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was making progress. I’ve been looking at men (and all people) directly in the eyes when I speak to them. I’ve even gotten compliments on the way I’m able to do that.

I thought I made great progress until recently… I went on a date that was going really well and I couldn’t look this man in the eyes for longer than 5 seconds. I kept asking “What?” when he would look at me. That’s better than what I used to ask (as far as tact goes), but why was I suddenly reverting back to old habits?

Your brain stores all of these patterns so that it can predict the future for your survival. When I was able to have eye contact with all of these other people it was because I wasn’t that into them. The second I actually liked someone, my survival mode came out and I had to put up the wall because intimacy and vulnerability means that I may get hurt.

So today I declare that I will be vulnerable. It’s a work in progress, but the only way to ever truly let someone in, is if you allow yourself to just be open and vulnerable.

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