26 Oct 2015

The Breakup Detox: How To Break Up When You’re Addicted To Love

Love is a drug. Some drugs make you happy and sane, while others drive you mad.

You finally realized, despite how much you loved this man, things weren’t going to work out. You made a logical decision, the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make, but that doesn’t make not loving him any easier.

He was your best friend. You shared your life with him.

His hugs gave you comfort. His smile lit you up. His touch made you quiver. You’re addicted to him.

That addiction is ruling your emotions. You can’t rationalize them.

You want to reach out to your best friend to talk about it, so you text him. He does the same.

You keep telling each other you won’t talk anymore and will give each other space, but it’s two weeks later, and you’re still talking things out.

You’ve gone in circles, and nothing has changed.

But, you’re in love, so you justify your actions. You hope things will get better and that you’ll figure it out.

The pain of the loss is so great, you lose sight of your logical decision.

You miss him and want to spend just one more moment with him. You want to be right back in that safe place, to feel the euphoria and endorphins. You want everything to feel right with the world again.

Ahhhh… it feels so good. Until it doesn’t.

But, you know this can’t go on.

How do you stop it? You put into motion the breakup detox.

Step 1: Delete everything.

Unfollow him on Facebook and other social media sites. Untag or hide pictures from public view. Archive him in Dropbox or the Cloud.

Do the same with texts and emails. Remove him from your call list favorites, or use an app that blocks him.

Step 2: Plan.

Plan your time with friends and family or doing things you love. If you lived or spent a lot of time together, try not to spend too much time alone at home. Keep yourself busy and around positive people.

Step 3: Feel.

Let yourself feel. Let yourself be emotional. Let yourself cry.

This hurts, and you’re only human. But, do it in the presence of others. Allow your friends to help you.

It’s okay to have someone see you weak. Netflix and chill with your friends.

Step 4: See the sign.           

You recognized it when you made that logical decision, and now you need a literal sign. One of the stages of grief is bargaining, and we tend to want to rehash what happened to figure out a way to regain control.

Often, there isn’t much else we can do, so we need to reaffirm what we know to be true.

Write with a huge marker on a piece of paper the reason you guys can’t be together. Below that, write, “Accept it. Let it be.”

Put it up somewhere you walk by frequently in your house or by your computer at work if you’re used to texting him often during the day.

Step 5: Get clarity on the future.

Write down what you’re looking for, the must-haves he may have been lacking or the views you didn’t agree on that led you to the breakup. But, write them as positive qualities your future partner will have.

Step 6: Take responsibility.

There’s always a lesson to learn from every relationship that ends. How will you grow from this?

This will require you to take responsibility for how things didn’t work out or responsibility for not ending it sooner.

Where do you need to improve? Why did you choose this type of person? Is there something you could have done better?

Step 7: Be selfish.

There are times when our own well-beings have to take precedence over the friendships we have or our commitments to others.

It’s natural to want to be there for the person you love, who is also hurting and going through this process, but you can’t be.

As long as you are there for him, you can’t move on. This is when you have to be selfish and commit to yourself to move on.

Choose yourself. Choose to heal.

Step 8: Release those endorphins.

After looking at brain scans of people who went through recent breakups, researchers found trying to let go of an ex is like dealing with a drug addiction.

It feels that way because you’re missing those endorphins. But, love and sex aren’t the only ways to feel a rush of endorphins.

Watching a funny movie, exercising, chocolate, spicy foods and the scent of vanilla are some simple ways you can release those endorphins your body is craving.

Step 9: Stop communicating.

You can’t quit smoking if you still smoke once a day. It doesn’t work that way.

If you’re looking to get over a person, you have to stop communicating cold turkey. There can be no texts, emails and phone calls.

Just stop.

Step 10: Be grateful.

Write down the things you’re grateful this relationship brought you. Being bitter and angry lingers a lot longer in your psyche than being thankful.

There’s always something to be grateful for. It could be a lesson you learned or a contribution he made to you. You can also simply be grateful for having been loved.

Step 11: Accept what is.

Easier said than done, right? Yes.

But just as acceptance is the clearance for love, it is the clearance you need to move on. Don’t try to convince him to see things your way.

Accept the breakup with all of its faults. It’s time to accept what is it rather than fight it.

Acceptance gives you access to creativity, strength, love and endless possibility.

Breakups are hard because we tend to be more connected to the emotions of loss and hurt as we go through them. Following the Breakup Detox will keep you connected to what happened vs how you feel about it. Staying connected to the cause of the breakup will give you clarity and the ability to move on, faster.

If you’re going through a breakup or are ready to get out there, but don’t know how to deal with it all, consider my personal coaching. Get your free 30 minute consultation here. My gift to you!

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6 Responses

  1. Sarina

    This article really described everything I’m feeling to a tee. Thank you for your kind words. I staying strong and seeing this today is a confimarion.

        1. Follow these steps for starters. It really does take quitting cold turkey and staying connected to what happened and how the relationship doesn’t serve your life. You have to know that love is not enough and you have to choose yourself everyday. It gets easier with time and practice and talking to someone so that you can get clarity.

  2. Sarina

    When you say talk to someone do you have anyone you would reccomend. I have loved this man for 6 years. This has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

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