1 Feb 2016

Why You’re Still Not Over Your Breakup And How To Move On

Do you ever wonder why some people take breakups harder than others? If you find yourself hung up and unable to move on from a recent, or even distant breakup, it could be because of how you internalize rejection.

It’s a common question we ask ourselves after a breakup; what went wrong?

There’s a story you form for yourself as you analyze the relationship and breakup. If your story includes more questions than answers, that’s a sure sign that you won’t easily move on. Do these questions sound familiar?

“Why wasn’t I good enough?”

“Is there something wrong with me?”

“Why did he do this to me?”

“Did he ever really love me?”

The list of questions can go on, and are usually followed by self-deprecating comments about what you should or could have done to save the relationship. You internalize all of your own issues and faults and come out of the other side of the breakup story questioning your own self-worth.

Language is powerful, and nothing shapes our lives more than the language we tell ourselves.

The stories we tell ourselves about rejection can shape how, and how well, we cope with it. If you change the narrative of the story, then you can change the outcome of how you deal with it.

Reflecting on what you learned about your relationship and how you can improve on the next one is a healthy part of moving on. It only becomes unhealthy when you get stuck in the fault instead of in the lesson learned.

So what makes for a healthy breakup, one in which the person moves on with minimal emotional damage?

1. Don’t take rejection as a reflection of self. In one study, some people drew much weaker connections between rejection and them selves. They described rejection as an arbitrary and unpredictable force rather than the result of some personal flaw.

Remove yourself from the equation and understand that rejection happens. Failure happens. It’s a part of life and growth. Not every relationship is mean to be, sometimes they are just meant to teach you something.

2. Don’t take on your ex’s failures as your own. He didn’t do this to you. This is just what he does. It’s not that he didn’t choose you, he just chose another path. He didn’t not fight for you, he most likely doesn’t fight for other things in his life.

You are not an isolated incident. You are not to be burdened by his faults. They are no reflection on who you are or how hard you tried. It doesn’t matter how you showed up, you can’t change or fix a person unless they want that change.

3. See the breakup as opportunity for growth. Understand that you are not confined to living as the person that you are today, forever. You can learn and grown from this experience.

The story can easily end with, “I didn’t trust him. I guess I’m just not good at trusting people and therefor will never have a good relationship.” Instead, learn from it. “I didn’t trust him. Why do I not trust people? I will figure that out and next time I will trust my partner and have a better relationship.”

Change your story or create a new one, and you will change the outcome and finally move on.

Ready to change your breakup story and create new love? I can help. Schedule your 30 minute FREE clarity call with me to discuss your story, challenges and a way to move forward. 

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