Your story defines who you are. Your story defines your past, how you experience the present and how you predict the future. I often write about the patterns that are ingrained in us since we were children and how they affect our relationships. The story you tell yourself about your life is at the core of those patterns. Now imagine what life could be if your story can be rewritten for the better?
How you interpret your life story will decide how your life goes. According to the psychologist Michele Crossley, depression and negative patterns in your behavior frequently stems from an “incoherent story,” an “inadequate narrative account of oneself,” or “a life story gone awry.”
Negative patterns are stemmed from stories where you concluded some form of judgment about yourself. Your interpretation usually includes a feeling that something is wrong, I’m not good enough, I don’t belong or of being alone.
You reacted to that feeling with a negative pattern to protect yourself. It’s you against the world, you wont speak up because they wont understand, you can’t trust anyone or some variation of this that you continue to play out in your life now even when that need to protect yourself is no longer present.
Most of my work is based on distinguishing between your story or pattern and your reality. It’s how we figure out if our concerns are real or sabotaging our relationships, if we’re bringing our past relationship issues into our present, and if our intuition is ruled by fear. But we don’t have to settle for our story.
Distinguishing our story from reality is not enough to make a change in our life. We must re-write our story. How do we do this? In LA we call this faking it till we make it, but for our purpose here, it’s pretending or acting.
In order to create a successful relationship in my life I had to become a new person. I had to be loving, vulnerable and giving. When I first started my journey, I was far from that. I was closed off, hard to please and stingy with my time and affection in my romantic relationships.
If I wanted to improve, I had to wake up everyday and ask myself, how would a loving, vulnerable and giving person act today? And I acted that way until it became a part of who I am. It became my new story.
You can choose how your story goes. You are the author of your story. Choose who you want to be and just act as that person would. Pretend if you have to. Do whatever it takes to be this person.
When you have a bad day and old stories and patterns creep in, ask yourself that question again. How would the person I want to be in my relationship and to my partner act under these circumstances? Over time you could find yourself more accepting, forgiving and kind without having to pretend any longer.
Is that the story you want to write?