18 Apr 2016

You Can Fix A Relationship EVEN When You’re Sexually Incompatible


Amazing sex doesn’t always happen right away.

You and your honey have been deep in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of your relationship, giving rabbits a run for their money for some time (wink!).  But then, predictably, hot every day sex started to dwindle into every other day sex (or less). And then, sex only when you can make time for it.

What happens to a relationship when your desire for each other dwindles? Is it normal to feel taken off guard by your lover’s not-so-subtle hints about doing something a bit kinkier in the bedroom? What if your partner stops meeting your sexual needs entirely? Doesn’t he know orgasms go both ways?

I partnered with YourTango and a group of experts to answer this question; How much does knowing your sexual compatibility matter at the start of a relationship?  

It turns out, people fail to even think about their sexual compatibility until there’s already a problem. One of you feels angry or resentful that sex has become an afterthought. Or, because connection isn’t happening outside the bedroom, things fizzle in the bedroom.

Is there a “right time” to have that intimate, and often awkward, conversation about your common (or NOT) sexual desires? Should it happen before you date too long, before you get married, or only IF a problem eventually comes up?

In the video above, YourTango SVP of Experts, Melanie Gorman along with myself, Ravid Yosef (Relationship Coach), best-selling author Dr. John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus), Sex Coach Lauren Brim, and Psychic Medium/Intuitive Coach Bee Herz weigh in on this intriguing topic

The general consensus from the Experts is, of course, yes: Sexual compatibility is crucial to a successful long-term relationship. Few people really thrive in a loving relationship when their sexual needs, tastes and desires don’t align.

BUT, even though we’re inundated with sexual images in our culture, we are still a very sexually puritanical society. Often couples will discuss everything BUT sex when determining the potential longevity of their relationship. And that, our Experts say, IS a problem.

So, let’s dive in and get to the heart of that discussion:  

My thoughts are that “sexual compatibility really comes down to chemistry … and that chemistry can be built …’” I feel that early in a relationship, we shouldn’t worry too much about sexual compatibility. Instead, we can build it through sharing, being authentic with each other, and showing concern for each other’s needs and desires. Only after the relationship progresses in this way can we accurately assess whether our needs will ultimately be met in a mutually satisfactory way.

So, bottom line: If you’re feeling sexually off kilter with your partner, you can fix the situation. Often all it takes is finding the courage to lovingly discuss what’s wrong, talk to your partner about what you both need, and then find common ground.

What are your thoughts on the subject matter? Have you ever built chemistry in your relationship over time or did you look for sexual compatibility right away?

A version of this article was originally posted on yourtango.com

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