12 Oct 2015

The 3 Reasons You Keep Attracting Unavailable Men

I recently asked the readers of my blog what their biggest challenge in love and relationships was and an overwhelming amount of you reached out with the same challenge.

You asked “Why do I keep attracting unavailable men?”

The subject matter is appropriate since one of my most popular posts is about how to recognizing an emotionally unavailable man. You can read that here. And if you haven’t already – you should download my eBook “Is He Relationship Material?” so that you can identify the ones who are.

So is it something that you’re doing? Why do these guys keep showing up in your life? Watch the video above or keep reading below for all the deets….

The reason why you’re attracting unavailable men has more to do with YOU than with them. Unavailable men are everywhere and they approach all sorts of women, but most women are not allowing them into their life. You are.

Here Are The Top 3 Reasons Why You Are Attracting Unavailable Men:

Reason #1 – You Yourself Are Not Available:

I know this one from personal experience. I knew I wasn’t available and so dating men who were also unavailable meant that I didn’t have to commit, I didn’t have to invest in them emotionally and I didn’t need to take the risk of getting rejected or hurt.

I deliberately went out and sought unavailable men out, but for you it me be more subconscious than that. Maybe you were hurt? Maybe you’re still grieving a past relationship? There’s a reason you are unavailable and therefor allowing these men into your life.

Reason #2 – You Don’t Think You Deserve Better:

I know it’s hard to hear, but many of us have this voice in our head that tell us we’re not good enough, we’re not pretty enough or we don’t deserve this. There’s some variation of that voice that is being played out in your head and you believe it.

Maybe you heard it said to you growing up? Maybe an ex made you feel shit about yourself? No matter the origin, you are still living with it and believe that an unavailable man, a man who treats you right is what you deserve.

Reason #3 – You Don’t Know How To Set Boundaries:

Most of us are not letting unavailable men into our lives and yet you are because you haven’t learned how to say no. You haven’t learned how to say that this isn’t what you want and that their behavior is unacceptable. You haven’t learned how to say I’m not interested.

Somewhere along the line you lost your voice. You lost your ability to create boundaries and in turn you lost his respect.

The only way to get what you want is to say so and then have your actions follow. You deserve love. You deserve to have a man who is present and committed to you. You deserve to be with a man who is ready for the same kind of love as you are.

If you want to have love in your life and learn how to get rid of the emotional baggage and the thoughts in your head that may be attracting you to unavailable men, make sure to check out my new online course – Determined To Love – where I’ll be walking you through the 4 Steps To A Successful Love Life. Watch that video for FREE here.

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6 Responses

  1. Patrice

    This article is perfect. I just forwarded this to my younger sister because she stumbles with this one.

    The catch is unavailable men will continue to drift around you but you don’t have to let them in or invest in them. They are always attracted to good, loving women.

    The most important thing I had to ask myself long ago, when I stopped dating this kinds of men is: How’s that working for you?

    It wasn’t. So I stopped.

  2. Jayla

    I think one other reason that wasn’t mentioned is that these “types” of men are typically very attractive, sexy, successful, have money, have swag, and just overall “have it going on.” This is the main reason why so many women are checking for them, and want so badly for them to be “the one.”
    Just like men want the most beautiful model chick type women, and/or the attractive, intelligent, and worldly “boss type” women; Ladies want the tall, dark, handsome, sexy, attractive, musician, worldly and wealthy businessman type of men. These are usually the type of men who are “unavailable.” Rarely are the average looking, overweight, balding, blue collar worker guys “unavailable. These are the types of men who when they find a good woman want to commit to her, and yet every single time we tell them no and friendzone them because there is no chemistry there, they’re not physically appealing, they’re boring, dull, too nerdy, or corny, etc etc etc. I know this because this is me.
    The real reason why I’ve been with the “unavailable men” that I’ve been with and how I came to be with them is due to my own shallowness. It didn’t take long for me to realize these men were Not what I needed, however, they were what I Wanted. They looked good, they were exciting, fun, hella sexy, had swag, etc etc etc.
    So the less shallow we become, the more apt we are to actually give the “available men” a fighting chance and actually seriously date them, instead of being with the men we lust after and hoping, wishing, and praying that they were more like the cornballs who are everything we actually need. jmo.

    1. Hey Jayla, I totally agree that this is a common reason why we are attracted to the unavailable man. I’ve been there myself and worked on myself so that I could see beyond that. Even with my boyfriend, he’s tall, dark and hansom but lacked the swag and so my pattern was to reject him initially. Thankfully I caught myself quickly.

      I say that all to say that we are all aware of why we are attracted, but not why we continue with the pattern even though as you stated, knew a long time ago that it wasn’t what you needed. How do we get past that? We have to figure out what’s more important to us? What are we committed to? Having unfulfilled relationships with these exciting and sexy unavailable men or choosing something real? Why can’t we seem to choose what we need vs what we want?

  3. tia

    I agree with this one, but heres my thing. a lot of times, you don’t know these men are unavailable when you meet them. A lot of times people lie and make it seem like they are, you know like the guy u meet who is “open” to you but really after a few weeks/months does the slow fade. You realize he is not willing to invest the time or energy in getting to know you or inlclude you in his life. Or the one who forgets to tell you he is living with someone/ married engaged/ on the rebound whatever. I often find out people are not who they are in hindsight, I don’t think ive ever gone for anyone knowing they are emotionally unavailable. I guess my point is ladies, ask questions upfront soon, don’t assume anything, a lot of times u can find out pretty quickly within 2 weeks perhaps whats really going on, questions like, what are u looking for ?are you married?do you live alone/who do you live with? what happened with your ex, may seem prying, but it can save you a lot of time and heartache rather than letting time run its course.

    1. Hi Tia, That’s exactly right. if we ask the right questions, pay attention to their words and their actions we can see this more clearly, sooner. And the point here is that once you do notice that they are unavailable, do you keep them around or let them go?

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